Tomorrow night, after a full day, I pack the car. This requires that I clean it out first, empty it of all self-composting material that has layered on through the past few weeks of “busy”. Out go the vacant containers of take-out food, the dozen or so bottles of water with just a few drops left…the massage table, the cartons of books for teacher trainings, the bags filled with magic markers, the Fly Girls banners, changes of yoga clothing and the belly dancing skirt. Who knows what else lies in the blissful cacophony that is the moving collage of my life. I am slightly frightened to find out.
What I am no longer frightened of is my next adventure. I was nervous for a while, and then I remembered my mother’s last words at the precipice of her greatest transition: “I’m ready for my next adventure.” Every new choice I make, every time I face a move out of my comfort zone I hear her voice, I see her eyes close as she settles back into the pillow. My challenges pale in the light of her faith and acceptance. If she gave me no other gift from my birth to her death, she gave me the greatest one I can imagine: courage. And beyond this, the possibility of beauty in the face of the unknown.
My unknowns these are days are lovely. I am blessed. Next week I embark on a journey I have long craved and finally have prioritized, a return to my roots: a 500 Hour Yoga Teacher Training with Dharma Mittra in NYC. This, just for me.
I witness and appreciate that yoga has grown in popularity and morphed into the glove that fits our western culture. The glove is great, but I yearn sometimes to take it off and settle back into the origin of my understanding. My early exposure to yoga was pure and traditional. I wore white, had a spiritual name and chanted mantra for three hours a day at the height of my devotional aspiration. I miss the devotion. But I have grown up, changed, become more whole in myself and I understand that a piece of the pie is not the entire pie. But I am ready to remember the nectar.
All said, I am taking a leap out of my current comfort zone and back into the base of the tree. I need this. It shakes me up a bit, I wonder if I am ready. Because of my immersion in my own work I am behind on the pre-homework I needed to complete to begin this training. I am behind on my house cleaning. And my car, well…I admit I am paying my son to detail it for me. While I am teaching classes. That is my life.
Next week I won’t be here to teach my classes at Jaya, I will be in NYC being a student, nervous on the mat, excited and disciplining myself to stay in the present moment. I will be diving deep and when I resurface I know I will be changed. I don’t know what Dharma will bring to me but I already know it is beyond words because I feel it, I am dreaming it and soon I will be living it. And when I do I am sure I will look back at this post and think it was way too innocent and silly. I am dutifully embarrassed for myself in advance. But on the other side, I also know I will bring whatever I discover back to the mat, to share. In gratitude.